The Money Maker!!!!!

B.T. got this awesome present X-Mas morning. Amazing, oh I know.
His face is not showing his true happiness that I know is eating him alive.

All I want to do is make grilled cheeses all day long and sell them on EBay.

UPDATE ON ME NOT HAVING BABY: Richard's mom knows that I am really NOT pregnant. She even whispered into his ear Christmas morning, "I heard the bad news".



Here is a picture of my lovely lady friend being a dork as usual. This was her birthday and she thought that it would be awesome to get her picture taken with the weirdo Boxcar Kid.
WRONG. And yes, those lines on his face are for real. Anyway, Slava saw this on good 'ol MySpace and left me this message:

December 27, 2007 11:17 AM Oh my God, I know that weirdo, that's Dirty Dick Vick!!! I watched him bob for roadkill...hopefully after he licked Dianer's leg...

Please someone tell me what bobbing for roadkill is because she has yet to elaborate and I just can't take it any longer.


xoxoxoxo

Crazy shit.

Sorry guys. My holiday and place of employment has been INSANE.
I guess everyone knows that my friend got fired for tackling a shoplifter.
Or story HERE. or yahoo, or Fark.

The news has been all over my work and people for all over the country have been calling work to tell my managers how terrible they are. Customers are interrogating me.
It is pretty crazy and annoying.

At least I come home to this cutie:

Thoughts.

I am turning into Dwight K. Schrute:

Question: When a man has another woman, she is called his mistress, when a woman has another man, he is called her _____________.

Question:

Question: Why is it when I am feeling sad, I go visit this image on Butchies page and this totally cheers me up? (besides the fact that I am stalking him)

Discuss.

I like puppies, not babies.

I have been playing way too much of "The Sims" on the Wii, and time no longer matters.

This goofball has been my Boy Toy for 4 years now.



As an anniversary gift, he was sweet enough to tell his boss, mom and sister that I was pregnant. I AM NOT.
What an asshole. I almost called off Christmas. If I get booties in my stocking or a second plate of helpings at dinner, I am so fucking out of there.

Question: If there is a bad baby that you know of, and the baby is not present, is it okay to refer to that baby as an "asshole"?

Zombie Carnival Part 2

No one freak out. There are going to some boobs below.













At the end of the dance, they killed the host for the evening and turned him into a zombie......I have no idea where this pic is.....



And then there was a fire show...





I was watching the Rob Zombie's version of Halloween and i pretty much loved it except there was one question that kept driving me insane:

Please tell me why hot ass Sheri Moon Zombie would take care of some drunk, fat unemployed loser? I mean, she's stripping the support this asshole and HER kids, and who the hell is this guy? He's not the father of any of the kids. he hits on her teenage daughter, swears at the baby, and hates Mikey.

Makes no sense.

BREAKING NEWS ALERT.

So once upon a time, I was a manager for the city parking. I lasted about 4 years till this guy Frank came to be my boss. Every winter he would flip out about snow, snow plowing, and snow shoveling. He started calling me @ 4:00 a.m. every morning to see how much snow was on my sidewalk. Seeing as how I got off work at midnight, this quickly became ANNOYING.

side note: He was mean, perverted, and smelled like salami subs.

The final straw was when he wrote me up for not answering my phone in the middle of the night to discuss snow plans. We ended up making up later, and he STILL calls me to ask me if I want to work for him again. NEVER!!!!!

My former co-worker Ed came to see me @ WFM today to tell me that Frank had a mild heart attack. I kid you not, RIGHT AFTER THE FIRST SNOW FALL.

Here's my solution, so I don't feel like an asshole:

Yep, I am a damn softy.

DAMN CRAIGS LIST.

I clicked on this: " Pups Trainers Handlers and Admirers - m4m " being all innocent thinking I was going to find puppies.

WRONG.

"I would like to hear from people in the SE Michigan area interested in Puppy Role Play. I would like to put together a Pup group for monthly or bi monthly Mosh and social activities. Please contact me if interested"

I feel like I got PUNKED or something.
Here is you daily dose of cute to make up for the nightmare I just imprinted in your brains:

************

Fun Fact: More than 40% of pet owners talk to their pets on the phone or through an answering machine.

Guilty as charged.

I am the coolest.

There is a blizzard outside.
My stupid cab driver has been holding cell phone hostage for the past few days.

P.S. To the weirdo who sent me a email about piercing girl:
No, I am not some weirdo who loves to watch people get holes punched into their back. I did not even know this was going to happen. I went to see my hot friend Slava dance at the Zombie Carnival.

Slava came to work and said "I just joined this burlesque group and I am going to strip while hula hooping and then the hula hoops are going to be set on fire.
So I was like sure, I'll take pictures, just don't get burned.

I'm a ever loyal friend. Chill the fuck out.

Here's some jam I made. Yeah, and I am now part old lady.

.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Zombie Carnival Part 1

Good thing there is a blizzard outside, this way I don't have to let my homies down.

This chick totally got her wings last night.......









My friend, Turbow (yes, she does have the most BAD ASS last name in the entire world; if she was a guy a would marry her just to "Emily Turbow") almost barfed during this.
"It is so crowded in her. How is she going to walk around with all that shit sticking out her back without getting one ripped out?"

And then I almost barfed.


Ray was the sanatation guy, who cleaned up all the blood/glass/bras/cement chucks after each act. Good thing we came sanitized and prepared. He almost got his face ate off.



This was one of the many side show acts. This dude laid all over some nails. First he had some chicks stand on him, and then some dude hit him with a sledge hammer.
Exciting, oh I know......



You can totally tell that the hammer guy loves this a bit too much.



I'll be eating fritos and watch "Man Bites Dog" for the 100th time, if anyone would like to join me.

Zombie OVERLOAD

This is where is was tonight:



And this is what someone who waited 45 minutes for a cab in 10 degree weather looks like:






I got home, a little too shit faced, numb, and charming.
B.T. was a little surprised to find me with zombie blood on my arms, hand, purse, and pants. I was totally oblivious.

I've got a like 150 pictures to sort through, but I am in recovery mode.

Here is a sneak preview of what a hot burlesque dancer my little Slava has turned into:



More to come, when I get off my lazy ass.

My New Favorite Song

Yes, you may dance to this, as long as you whip your hair around.

Homo's rule.

This crazy old lady that shops @ WFM has become obsessed with me. It sucks. She's like 60 and she uses a baby stroller as a purse. I am not sure when using a baby stroller as a purser became acceptable, but she loves it.
ANYWAY, she comes to my line only because she is stalking me. Yesterday she asked me if I ever tried "homo's" before?
I tired to encourage her to elaborate, but she is a crazy bitch that never listens, just waits to talk.
"I was watching this show about homos and I learned about the health benefits."
Then the retard whips out 5 containers of hummus.
I tried to correct her, but she said "No, I am speaking of homos, and it is good for you."

P.S. Croc's suck and so does anyone who tries to rock these:

Yum.

Click to enlarge and learn, baby.

From My Dear Jill

Sadly, yesterday Monty ( the Frankendog ) lost one of his two remaining teeth...fortunately it was not the one he enjoys rubbing on the carpet / floor / your leg. At least we still have that.



Click on the pic to see the one tooth wonder in all of his glory.

Goth Kids suck.

I have been overwhelmed with work and my final week of the school semester.
Sorry I have been so lame-o.

I went to a going away party this evening, which was in the bottom floor of a club. The main thing that sucked about this in order to get to the basement, you must walk through the main club, which was full of sweaty fat goth kids. I wanted to take pictures of all of the hideous things that I saw this evening but:
a. I didn't want to give you all nightmares; and
b. These chicks (wearing only thongs and corsets) were double my weight and could have taken me out in a heart beat.

Example: I was trying to order myself a Labatt and this huge guy in all leather walks up and starts grunting and humping the side of the bar. He was thrusting the bar so hard that my beer fell off and shattered.

Damn it, Dawn. I hope you know I love you.



Needless to say, I have learned more than one valuable lesson this evening.
I am considering spending the rest of the winter in hibernation.

The things kids say.......

Creepy.

I was listening to these two kids @ school talk about their portfolios that are due this week. This guy with long uncombed hair was totally dominating the conversation like this:

"My work is all about the depression I have been suffering. I didn't even look in the mirror for like a month. Everyone was like 'man you look like shit; what's up with you lately?' I thought I looked fine. Finally I gained the courage to go in the bathroom and face myself and I realized how fucked I looked. I took like 3 rolls of film of myself in the mirror. My hair looked like shit. This was totally my motivation. It's just BEAUTIFUL."

And then I barfed.

I guess it is better then this.

Sad Flower=me.

Today sucked.
My brother somehow has Bells Palsy.
He let it go thinking that he couldn't close his eye because his allergies were bothering him. My dad noticed that half of his face wasn't moving. My dad took him to the hospital and my bro said that his face is numb and that it hurt to sleep. The docs said that since he waited till his face went numb, he might be like this forever. I guess he'll know for sure in 6 months.
My sister was beating him up and my dad told her to stop. She said "it's ok, half of his face is laughing."
My family is seriously weird.

On a lighter note, someone in the park has proclaimed their undying love for me:



**********
Fun Fact:There is one slot machine in Las Vegas for every eight inhabitants.

Get down.

I wish that I knew someone who danced like this so we could have a dance off:



P.S. I had to help this hippie catch a giant hawk today @ work. Totally not in my job description.

The # 2 will be overly typed below.

I have been in hiding and my hair is greasey.

I have 2 portfolios due in 2 days. I have been spending the last 2 days coloring tiny pictures and chain smoking in hopes that my teachers will stop hating me and give me an A.
I didn't even play UNO on XBOX live today, so this is seriously a big deal.





My friend Dawn in leaving me for the sunny state of Cali and asked me attend her going away party @ the Pig. It's 2 minutes from my house so I would be a loser to not attend. Today I found out the stupid ESHAM is going to be performing there. Those of you who don't know who ESHAM is, consider yourselves lucky. Hopefully I won't get stabbed.

Look @ this guy, who is obviously way more interesting then me:

Maybe God IS Real.......

Not to sound all Dakota Fanning-like in "I Am Sam", but yay for the new I Hop in Ann Arbor.
I was so pumped I told everyone in the office at work today.
Everyone was like "Yay!!!" except for this one party pooper.
She said "Eww, that place has way too much syrup for my taste."
Um, yeah dipshit, you put the syrup on yourself, but whatever.

Meet the Stuffed French toast, with your choice of topping, a.k.a. my new bestie:



I have been spending way too much time watching movies of Adam Sandler and his dogs. I have been making B.T. view them as well, in hopes that he will fall in love with an English Bulldog and let me have another dog. Sailor is a French Bulldog, and it would be cute to have a little snorting bulldog farm @ my house.

Muscles being pulled all over.

At work (Whole Foods), the guy that that works behind me told me some totally odd news.
"Owww, I think that I pulled a muscle in my butt yesterday planting tulips."

I whipped my head around in shock, and I think that I pulled a muscle in my neck.

***********
Not-so Fun Fact: On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

Mystery Man. EDIT.

So Last night I start getting these horribly depressing text messages that go something like this:


It goes on and on and on.
He said he was Ryan and he was drunk.
I didn't feel like doing like talking to him till today.
I asked him how he got my # and if he was still living in Detroit.
He wrote back "I have never lived in Detroit."
I said " WHO ARE YOU?" and never got a response.
Cell phones are not toys.

B.T. got free tickets to see Modest Mouse from the same dude who gave him the Henry Rollins tickets. I am totally pumped.

And how did this little gem almost sneak right past me?
Watch it zombie lovers......DO IT.





*****
Fun Fact: Go HERE if you feel like you need a zombie refresher course.