Hi, it's been a while.

How I spent my summer vacation:

Taking TONS of photos of Detroit.
PBR and pinball.
Took up smoking again.
Stalking John C. Reilly on a daily basis (he shops at my work everyday).
Wondering if my right leg is going to be numb forever.
Becoming a cheese snob.

It's been so long I don't know where to begin. Here is some photos instead. xo

My Exploring Partner

My Exploring Partner
Originally uploaded by Emily Flores

This is just a test.

Missed you guys.

I dont know if I am going to actually blog again, but I overheard this conversation and I can't stop thinking about it. I was eating pancakes and this guy and girl were sitting behind me at Northside when I heard this:

Dude: I NEVER USE TOILET PAPER.
Girl: Ewww, you're gross. What do you do?
Dude: Well, if I have to shit, I just wash myself after. Toilet paper is gross, actually.
Girl: What if you are away from home?
Dude: I wash.
Girl: Ewww.
Dude: Not eww. Think about this, love: if I came up to you with shit on my finger and smeared a bit on your cheek, would you go get a piece toilet paper and wipe it off your face, or would you wash?


And sadly, he did get me thinking.

HI!

Sorry guys. I keep forgetting I have this blog and have been running around outdoors. It's getting nicer out and it is hard to stay inside.



Oh yeah, and I am a non-smoker now.

Learning to Whrrl.

Hi Guys.

I have been trying out Whrrl on my phone. It is kinda fun. If you want to see what I did tonight, you can go here. I am am still trying to get the hang out the site, since I use it on my phone, not on a PC. Whrrl is kind of fun. It is like blogging live. The only thing that makes me crazy is that you can't take a typo back when you notice it 5 minutes later, and I can't type on a phone. I usually give up trying after 2 sentences. Anyway, check it out, its like a little blog post with my cell.

I need to go to sleep. I forgot to see what time I work tomorrow so I have to get up early and find out. Urghh.

Nighty nite!

My Beard Rules Your Ass.

For those of you that miss Butchies blogging, this is what he looks like now:

Spring Fling

Hi guys, the weather has been too nice to stay inside to blog. And when it is cold I am too busy making out with my iPhone. I have become one of those people that I strongly dislike.



Richard usually buys my cigarettes. I don't know how this really began. He usually gets off work at 11 am, which is the time I roll out of bed. He always goes to the store and buys milk and such, and just started picking up my cigarettes as well. Yesterday at work, everyone at was bitching about how much the price rose on cigs and well, I don't know how much they cost anymore.

Today he came home with milk, a pumpkin doughnut, and.........NICOTINE PATCHES. Fuck me. Wish me luck!

A trip to Whitmore Lake, MI

As soon as I got off the express way entrance, I was greeted by this:



A girl on a horse.
In a bikini top and jeans.
Smoking a cigarette (yes, she ashed her cig on the horse) stopped in the road, backing up a few cars on a one way st.
She sat there long enough for me to dig my cell phone out of my purse and take a picture just for you.

jks jks jks

Hi people that visit this page and have never said anything. Talk to me. I am so BORED at work that my brain is going to melt all over my temporary desk.
Tell me a good joke.

PS If this was twitter I would update my status to inform you: I downloaded an app that turns your iphone into a lightsaber and pretended to kill everyone in the office for 17 minutes.

teenage mutant ninja poodles!

Here ya GOOOOOOO!

good morning.

I woke up at 6 am to go to a meeting at work so I could accept an award. Just in case you ever have a heart attack in my store, it is safe to know that I will drag you on the floor, cut your clothes off with a boxcutter and attempt to shock you with a defibrillator, aka The Reanimator. Luckily, the machine is idiot proof and won't shock you unless necessary so you don't start killing people. Anyway, the ambulance came and took him away and I got $50 from my work to buy groceries. So, if you have a heart attack in my work, not only will I try to save you, but I will also be able to eat for the next week. WIN-WIN.

Chicago Slumber Party.

This is what I get for making my dog take a picture with me, barfed on:



So I am going to Chicago next month to surprise some friends. I got a hotel because I did not want to surprise them all and then ask "so who wants to let me sleep at your house?" and invited sister #3 to go. I got a suite for super cheap and sister #1 got jealous, and I said "you can come sleep on the couch as long as you don't tell sister #2". Yeah, I am horrible, but sister #2 has a horrid child that bites and I don't want her coming near me. There, I said it.

When I get there, I am probably not going to do anything but tell everyone I am there and say "come visit me in my hotel. I'm watching cable". I have been to Chicago 1000000000000 times and watching cable is like vacation to me. Want me to house sit for you? Sure, if you have cable. I once took BT to the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and I requested a late check out because there was a Dog Whisperer marathon and I had never seen the show before. BEST MORNING EVER.

So, see you in Chicago April 8 till I think 12th? I'm packing lots of PJ's.

Don't be a bitch, please

I was sitting at work contemplating blowing my head off when this snobby old hang in a fur coat came up to my lane. I said "Hello, how are you?" and she said "I have 4 separate orders." STRIKE ONE. DON'T FUCKING IGNORE MY QUESTION. So her first order is like $13 worth of shit and she hands me a 15% coupon that is not even for the place at work at, but I take it and give her the stupid $1.75 discount she believes that she is more than entitled to.
Order two consists of ONLY a 4.99 bottle of bubble bath and then she waved this 20% coupon in my face that is for GNC vitamins. I tell her nicely no, bubbles are not vitamins and you can only use one competitors coupon a day. She stands there staring at me like am the cheap-o in a ugly fur coat. I asked her if she wants it still and she stares at me and yells "that would have been for my DAUGHTER BUT YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT HER, DO YOU? DO YOU?" I say sorry, I will get in trouble and she says "MY DAUGHTER IS NOT WORTH THE RISK FOR YOU, HUH? YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID". She ran off leaving all off her other groceries sitting in my lane so I got to spend 25 minutes walking around the store, putting back all the crap she did not want. You could also say that I was multi-tasking, because I was also looking around for a box cutter to slit my wrist with. I will put "exceptional multitasker" on my next job review and pray that my boss and I can talk about this day for 45 minutes instead of how often I have to pee.

tired.

I had a 5 hour dentist appointment to work on my root canals and my dentist still has not finished the work. This is the second appointment for this. I think that he is sedating me so he can steal my brain cells and my energy and my savings account.

This is how tired I am: I am afraid of burglars. I know that when Jill left my house a bit ago, she left the door unlocked, but I don't think I can make it down the stairs to lock it. Fuck, I can't make it back up the stairs after going all the way down. I know that Richard is getting up for work in 84 minutes. I am passing out in 6 minutes. That leaves 78(I don't care if I'm wrong) minutes for a burglar to find my door and come in. But I have a dog. He is sleeping...will be bark? I hear burglars don't like houses with dogs. But then there is that shitty movie with Marky Mark and he wants to break into Reese Witherspoons house and kidnap her. She has a dog, but his friend just cuts the dogs head off and throws it into the doggie door and Reese's family is eating dinner and AHHHH! burglars bust in from every entry point possible. But my dog is an inside dog and all I have is a letter slot, not a doggie door.
Oh, and I rang up Hillary Swank at work the other day.

What was that stupid Marky Mark movie called again?

urghhhh.

Why do I get at least 2 emails a day regarding how to make my penis larger?

And speaking of email, every time I log into to yahoo account, it shows me the latest top "headline news". All fucking week it has been Miley Cyrus this/that.....EVERYDAY. Hi guys, her dad's name is Billy Ray, so why are you all surprised she trash? Oh and hi yahoo! Celebrity gossip is not effing NEWS!!!



Oh, and my work started carrying the best thing ever: apple chips. I could eat them til I burst. The first bite almost brought tears to my eyes. I bought like 4 bags last week. Then I go into work yesterday, tearing boxes apart looking for them, and a manager informs me that our supplier stopped carrying them? What?!?!? After a week? Why are you doing this to me?!?!?!?



Ok, sorry. Here is Rosie Russell, she is a Jack Russell, and likes to sit in front of the fireplace at BTs' mama's house, even though she is panting like crazy. I regret sharing the last bag of apple chips with her, but only because I did not know it would be my last.

animals animals animals

Basically, this is what my dog looks like if I even think about eating.

2/18

So, I am kinda obsessed with google ads, not because I want to make money, but it always cracks me up seeing which ads appear. Like this:



But anyway, the only google ad I ever clicked on was for the most awesome site ever: swaptree.com. Basically, you list a bunch of video games, dvd's, etc you don't want anymore and trade with other people for stuff you actually want. All you pay for is shipping. I am hooked. BT will probably leave me when he finds out that I am going to list all of his belongings so I can get every Sims 2 expansion pack ever made.

Ok, nerd time over.



My mom finally had to put the family dog down. She was almost 19 and it was getting to be a quality of life issue. But she lived a long, awesome life. She was older than my youngest sister! I am hoping that I can talk my mom into getting a new dog soon. I think it will help her with the grieving process.




Ok, nerd time again. I just spent an hour try to dismantle this pin into a tag for my dogs collar:



We are going to see the Friday the 13th remake, tonight. I hope it does not totally suck............

Wait, they do what?!?!??!

This is how my next job review will go:

Lately when I go to work, I get this huge urge to fake sick everyday. I think that is a sign that I need a new job.

We went to the "Dirty Show" in Detroit over on Friday. The sign outside said no cameras allowed, but when I got inside, there were so many weirdo's taking pictures, I was mad at myself for not sneaking mine it, too. Slava needed a ride to the show since she was performing with her burlesque troop.



She always makes me proud.

Anyway, the show was kind of fun. The only weirdo's attending were the 45 and older crowd. They were acting out of control, spanking each other and walking around half naked. I ran into my friend Dan there, who was wearing a suit and checking out some paintings. This 50 year old dude wearing only pleather undies interrupted our conversation to inform Dan that he was wearing too many clothes. Ewwww. It's like all the horny old people came out of their homes for the first time in years and thought it would be cool to expose their true sexual predator emotions. I'm just glad I didn't see my grandparents there. It would taken years of therapy to undo the damage.


PUT SOME BACON ON YOUR SITE. you're welcome.

about that

Sorry, I have been hibernating..



And getting puked on for it.




Oh yeah, and this lady complained about me at work. Her main problem with me is that I am a super "racist". Let me remind you, in case it is not obvious, I AM NOT WHITE.
Oh and my other work got robbed. I switched shifts that day, SUCKERS.
P.S. No one got hurt, so I can say "suckers" all day long, thank you.

Happy Birthday, Jamily!!!!

Hey friends

Please, stop telling me how I should go see "Twilight" or ask me if I want to borrow your vampire books. I REFUSE to read anything that can be purchased from the "Young Adult" or "Teen Reading" section at the bookstore. No no no. Some girl at work was reading a hardcover version of it and I was amazed by how thick the book was. Then I took a look inside and saw that the font was like 1 inch. Smart move, making suckers think it is a book for grownups. I would rather buy a childrens book and read it 30 times out loud than read some book about a teenage girls struggle with wanting to do a vampire. I mean, no offensive it you like the series, but SOMEONE is at the point of legally harassing me because I won't go see the movie in the theater.

Anyway, meet my new nephew. He is on the right. His name is Chubs. His eyes are all swollen and infected because his former shithead owner was abusive and and left him in a barn for days without food and water. My sister rescued him and he is going to be living it up now.



Bulldogs have the best grillz.

I'll cut you first.

My landlord sucks. Last winter he put plastic on the windows of our 2nd floor apartment in hopes of insulating our living room. Come June, the plastic was still up and our apartment was 8,000,000 degrees. Richard said, "Fuck It" and grabbed the biggest kitchen knife we own and cut off the plastic so we would not die in the heat.

I woke yesterday up to see that the plastic has returned (and it's been cold in my apartment for months, why waste your time now, moron???) with this note crammed in the window:





Yeah, the landlord really does have one eye so I will give him credit for his self portrait skillzzzz.

What's winter like..

from a dogs perspective:




Ruff.

Dear Diary.

Normally, reading these old journal are painfully embarassing, and I am reading them to myself by myself, written by myself, for myself...what the hell? They creep me out, and I don't know why anyway, I found this simple entry quite a jem. Don'y fret, it is short and sweet:

11/1/2001 (i was 20, and already a potty mouth)

Bobby's redneck mother called me bright and early this morning to inform me that she would be over shortly to "CLEAN MY CLOCK"?!? Seeing as how I will be laid off work by Tuesday, I kind of hope that bitch does. Plus I could use a new car......."

She never showed up that day, and I never got that dream lawsuit I was hoping for. Seeing how I still did not understand NASCAR or Monstertruck Rallies, I would have set my hopes a bit lower.

Oh and Mel, since any other Flores is not allowed to visit this page: is it just me, or is it safe to call my niece an asshole. People get all weird about calling little kids assholes, but from my understanding, she was doing what she does best on Sunday......

uh, thanks for noticing...

Mel, I totally would have called in to go to your dad's party, but I had my annual review that day at work! Urgh!

Every one else, imagine this: You spend two hours writing out lengthy answers to questions about your work performance for a wage review. After much preparation and anxiety, you sit patiently as your boss lists your areas needing improvement.

"Well, in the supervisor group, we noticed that you close your lane often. You need to not pee so much."

I was totally unprepared.

Thoughts.

My cell phone provider, piece of Sprint, sent me an email stating their New Years Resolution is to help me save money. But it is almost February...why have they waited to long to share this awesome news with me?

Um, I heard today is Squirrel Appreciation Day?? Oh well, here is me the one and only time I appreciated a squirrel with some classmates:



Can animals feel suicidal? Because my cat has been acting questionable lately.

OMG OMG OMG!!!!

The Secret Saved my life!

Bigger?

wondering......

While repeatedly pushing the Blogger "next blog" button, I almost barfed all over myself when I saw the amazing amount of blogs that were all named some variation of "What I'm Wearing Today." That is all they post, a photo and a detailed description of EVERY piece of clothing they put on for the day.

Really? Must everyone know what brand your underwear is? And what if you woke up late and had to rush to work without taking a shower? Do you lie to the internet tell them you are wearing the same underwear two days in a row? Wait, and if you were running late, when would you find time to take a picture of yourself in your current office attire? What if you worked at TGIFridays and then had to go run a marathon? Which would outfit would be internet-worthy?

Oh, and they always offer pro tips: "In the 80’s, it was way cool to match your socks to your shirt. In the naughties, it’s cool to match your shirt to your socks. Don’t be left out!" Who knew?!?!??!

This is what my friend Eric wore to Applebee's one day. Internet worthy:

Good Morning Indeed.

I wanna be sedated...

for real. I will start sedating myself in 6 hours. 4 pills, then 2 more when I get to the dentist. That leaves me with 6 extra pills in case I start flipping switches and unplugging drills. I should be sleeping but instead I am already freaking, hence why my dentist makes me drug myself up BEFORE I am allowed to come near him. Whatever, works for the both of us.

Can't sleep ramble: I told myself that I will learn how to sew this year if it killzzzz me. I made my friend Jamie in charge of looking for classes in the area. I was feeling like I was relying on her a bit too much to help me achieve my goal until I saw this:



Dude, I'm down.
Fuck, where do you even get fabric like that anymore?

Guess who saw a 3D movie?

no not him, silly.



BT and I and some friends went and saw "My Bloody Valentine 3D" and the movie BLOOOOOOOOOOOOWED. I love horror movies and the only good thing about this movie was the 3d effects. Without the feeling of almost being stabbed and blood spewing out of the screen, I would have ate my pretzel nuggets and taken a nap. And it was interesting to watch the security guards all tense in the lobby. That Biggie Smalls movie came out the same night and the high schoolers were getting rowdy in the parent drop of lane.

Oh, and the 3D glasses were not half bad.



The last movie I saw in 3D was stupid Superman, and thinking it was a 3D imax movie was the only reason I went. That was a super piece of shit. IMAX was like "here, wear these glasses only when this icon shows up on the screen". I think I wore the glasses for like 8 minutes total during the entire film. And then on your way out, you gave them your glasses (think massive Blue Blockers) and they were handing them to people that were entering the theater. Ummm, do you sanitize those nasty ass things? For $16 a ticket I demand clean glasses! But there is one pro about going to the IMAX and that is shitty little high schoolers DO NOT pay $16 for a ticket, which means I can watch a movie without seeing a million little cell phones glowing as oh so important texts are being sent. AMEN.

Name that tune.

I'm still working on the prize.

paper stash

I'm sure that you are all sick of hearing about my toothache, but I am proud to say that after a stressful breakdown and a phone call to the elderly receptionist, she was able to reach my dentist at home and he had a change of heart. 15 pain pills! No more sleepless nights, well at least for the next few days.

A friend of mine is making some sketchbooks out of her massive postcard collection and I was able to snag these beauties. I am a HUGE fan of sending snail mail. Last year about 10 of my friends decided to relocate towards warmer weather and I have to write them to constantly remind them how they all left me at once, but they are not all living together. Most of them don't even know each other, so it was weird to keep hearing "I'm moving to California" announcements. My West Coast friends better dig their weirdo snail mail.





The last one is pretty card to see, but I think it is my fav. It's a car full of pups cruising in a badass ride in a river. I also like the top right one, the bag head chick, mostly because I have no clue as to what her agenda is. Miranda had so many more badass postcards, WAY crazier than this. I need her to start parting with some of these STAT. She would be doing such a good dead, to me, the person I sent it to, my depressed postman would even get a good laugh....

Ohhh, and while searching for a screw driver for my eye glasses a found these gems that I did not even know I still had: Journals 1997 and 1999.





I have boxes of these things laying around, and I didn't know that these two were even here. I probably hid them from B.T. when I moved in out of embarrassment. It's gonna be a late night!

6 Random Things.

I love Krista and when blogger and my computer where having a meltdown, she "tagged" me. I had started this post and never finished it til now!!! It goes like this:

*Link to the person that tagged you
*Post the rules on your blog
*Share six interesting things/habits/quirks about yourself - anything that comes to mind.
*Tag six people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs ... people you would like to know things about.
*Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

1. As much as I would love to live in peace and quiet (and free of homeless people outside my apartment), my fear of deer prohibits me from doing so. Driving to 15 minutes on the "back roads" out to visit my parents can be panic inducing as I am afraid that I will hit one while driving and that their antlers will crash through my windshield and spear my eye out.



2. Actually, most of my fears are very "Final Destination" events that will never happen to me or anyone I know.

3. I have worked a lot of retail jobs, mostly involving cashiering. Nothing makes me crazier when I say "Your total due is $19.49" and you say "OH THAT WAS A GREAT YEAR!!!" and then instead of paying me, you laugh forever like you are the first one to ever say that. I don't know why, it just gives me goosebumps.



4. It freaks me out when I see people picking their nose while driving. Not because it's gross, but I am afraid someone will rear-end them when their finger is up their nose, which again goes back to #2.

5. When I cook chicken, it usually turns out dry because I overcook it so there is no possible way I could get salmonella.



6. B.T. and I used to talk about getting married, and now I don't think that we will. It is something that we go back and forth on a lot. Not because we have a bad relationship, but because I think it is so unfair that not everyone in this country can marry the one they love.
But I also have to worry about him not having citizenship here (he is from Scotland, but has been a resident alien here for almost 15 years) and the thought that one day we might have to leave the US to be together. I worry about the civil rights of others, what I want out of life, and my relationship a lot.

I will have to think about who I am going to tag later; time to get some shut eye.
xoxo